| Forbidden to discuss, until now. |
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| Written by OHmommy | |
| Tuesday, 01 September 2009 00:00 | |
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"That was the last birthday I celebrated with my mother." Is how my husband ended the update. He, the only child, had just finished explaining the results of his mother's scan after weeks of invasive treatments. Just minutes earlier not making any eye contact he explained, "It's now in the lungs. Hip. Bones. Liver. It has spread." She was diagnosed with breast cancer for the third time this January. After a winter of deaths, first a grandfather and later a beloved dog, we pulled them away for a much needed vacation to get our minds far away from the series of unfortunate events and share a couple of laughs. Laughter to tuck away in our pockets and remember during this time. "She doesn't want anyone to know." That statement has been repeated for months now. A topic that has been forbidden for me to write about. Forbidden to discuss at family outings. Forbidden to tell my children. Just forbidden to acknowledge. Denial was a way to temporaily sweep cancer under the rug and hope it went away. Until now. I closed my eyes and imagined my own mother. Thought about all the other close friends of mine that recently lost one of their parents. "We have to do something." But what does one do? Say? When you learn that someone is losing the battle? I kept the last thought to myself not wanting to admit to my husband that his mother was losing her battle to cancer. He must have been thinking the same as he whispered, "I don't know what to say. Her time is near." "That was the last birthday I celebrated with my mother." Is how my husband ended the update. |
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| Last Updated on Monday, 31 August 2009 22:47 |
Comments
~K
Hugs and prayers to you, your hubby, y'all's family and everyone that loves her.
In November, we loss my Father in Law after an 11 month battle with pancreatic cancer. He was given 9 mths. We got an extra 2. No amount of time is enough.
It's a process, such a process. We were lucky, dh and his sisters, his mother and extended family are close, so everyone came together. we visited. A lot. He played with the kids. I got pregnant, and he knew that, though he wasn't able to meet my daughter. That makes us sad.
We did get help via the local hospice, and a naturalpath doctor who helped with some pain.
We were just there.All you can do is be present.
No matter how long you have, it's never enough. You always want more time. And after the unthinkable, nothing will be normal again.
My husband and his family have attended some grief seminars, counselling and purchased on really good books on loss/grief. When he needs to talk about it, we talk.
Again, just be there. You'll need to be there for your husband. Sometimes he cries. Sometimes he doesn't want to talk. Sometimes he talks a lot. I give him time to heal. He took some time from work etc.
his analogy: It's like losing your right arm. You can go on, but it's never the same, and you have to get used to living without an arm.
But don't forget to take care of yourselves, live your lives for them too.
I am so sorry. It's a hard journey I know.
Just keep loving her hard.
The time for sweeping it away is over. Now is the time to say all the things you think you could possibly ever want to say. Everything you ever thought you would tell her but haven't found the right time to say yet. It's the time to make sure that all matters are straight between you, your family, and your mother in law. Love her, let her love you...tuck that away and don't regret anything.
Hoping that God grants you and your family peace in all things to come and assurance that you will meet again.
you know if you need an ear I am here. And you all are in my prayers.
Also, the silence meant that we assumed that it was cigarettes that caused her cancer. Imagine the look on all the females in the family when Grandpa said one day that the cancer started in her ovaries! This is their medical history too, and if things are hidden they run the risk of staying hidden.
I echo what many have said previously - I know you're there for DH, tell him that he should say everything he needs and every wanted to say to his Mom; don't be afraid to let your kids in on it; my kids knew my Dad was very, very sick, we didn't hide it from them; and my son, although he was scared, was so very glad that he spent some of the last precious days with his special Granddad (his only one). Kids are resilient, and they need to know - but I trust you'll know in your heart how to deal with it.
Also, if there are any counsellors, psychologists available, take full advantage. Ours was wonderful, she helped prepare my parents and all of us kids (as to how to help our kids deal, and how to deal with each other). She even suggested that Dad write letters to each of his grandchildren, a gift that they will each have as a concrete memory of him.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all - may you have strength to deal with all that lies ahead xoxo
Four months ago our beloved, young college age babysitter lost her mother to her second battle with breast cancer. Her mother was one of my mom's best friends and I have known her since I was a child. She also didn't want anyone to know even though all of us in the inner circle were all completely aware. There were many who came to her funeral saying "I didn't know." It was hard on her daughters to keep the secret and honor her wishes while still needing to talk about it and seek out advice. But they were more graceful handling everything then I ever hope I could be.
I think they still wake up everyday in shock that their mom is gone. I can only offer them all my love and support and hold their hand anytime they can't do it alone.
Hugs to you and your family. I am truely sorry for your sorrow.
There isn't a soul amongst us that hasn't been touched by cancer in someone we love. My grandmother passed away from larynx cancer and my father managed to beat Hodgkin's. It's incredibly difficult to go through. I'm here if you need to talk...
hugs to you and your family.
I am so very sorry. I wish I could do something to help. My prayers are with you all.
My best advice as someone who lost several people in the past 18 months to cancer (these include my father and my best friend of nearly 20 years) is to live in the present. Don't treat them like they are dying and don't focus on the "end". That will all happen on it's own. LIVE right now with her because she's still here to live.
As my best friend said "I could be hit by a car tomorrow and killed." It's somewhat morbid, but truthfully none of us know how long we have.
As far as those beautiful children, my niece and nephew were about those ages when Dad died. We didn't say he died, rather that he went to heaven. It just seemed less scary.
Praying comfort and peace for your husband as I type...
Thanks for writing this today.
Much love & hugs to your family...
Prayers are with all of you!
I will keep you and your beautiful family in my thoughts - e-mail me if you need to chat, 'kay?
It will be hard for you to support your emotional needs, your husband's, your FIL's and your kids'. I'd concentrate on being honest and age-appropriate with your kids and that may affect how your husband sees things too.
Learn as much as you can about dying and grieving. Share as much as you can. Go to support group, preparation DOES make a huge difference.
Most of all, expect the unexpected. Grief is conniving and vicious but natural and unavoidable. The process is full of unexpected twists that will strain all of you and your relationships. Value those above all and try to laugh together whenever you can.
I am glad you have so many wise friends to comment, and I'm here for you, too.
X
Supa
The hardest thing about facing situations like this is our heartache and fear of being without loved ones because mortality can seem like an eternity, when really, it is but a brief moment.
Families can be together forever, and death is just a brief space of being apart. Its such a blessing and a gift to know that loved ones can be reunited, that that this isn't the end.
This is not the end!
mormon.org/.../life-after-death
Hope that helps. I know the Lord sends people to be angels during these times to bring us His comfort.
Families really can be together forever.
www.youtube.com/.../59A88EF0AD2EBBF7
Make some wonderful memories, ask her questions about family that you want to pass down,or want to know. I wish I had done that with my parents and my uncles and aunts because they aren't really here anymore.
Hugs and love and prayers
Hugs and Prayers,
Lisa
Luckily, he spend his last breaths staring back into the eyes of his children, in his place of birth.
xx
i know it's a difficult time for all of you!
we buried my mom on my 32nd birthday.
yeah.... not cool.
i wish you all the best during this hard time ahead!
Huge hug to the whole family.
Also, what my sisters and I found really difficult was going through her stuff after she had passed because we kept finding items that we didn't know the history behind. We kept repeating the phrase "I wish Mom was here to tell us about this..." over and over. I regret not doing this with her and my sisters while she was alive so she could share stories and meanings. I would highly suggest talking to her now about important heirlooms and family stories that you will want preserved as part of your families history.
My heart goes out to you in this difficult time and I hope that her final months (maybe even years) are blessed with special memories with loved ones.
Please know that if you ever need to vent I'm here. When it happened to Sascha's mom, I felt like I couldn't share my pain with him entirely because it was his mom and I was supposed to be the strong one. Don't do that to yourself, it makes it harder. But if you ever feel like that, or anything, I'm here. (((Hugs)))
Just talk to her, don't let her feel alone.
Thinking of you all.
My heart is so heavy for you right now, I'm never good with words when it comes to situations such as these...I can never seem to find the right thing to say or offer any helpful advice b/c when I put myself in the other person's place it just all sounds...WRONG. Please know that I'm praying for your precious family
I remember the last time I saw my father-in-law before he was bed-ridden and comatose.
I grabbed and hugged him . . . he was shocked. We didn't hug. But I wouldn't let him go until he hugged me back.
Your husband is hugging back . . .
My thoughts are with you.
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