It's good to have Scary Mommy friends. PDF Print E-mail
Written by OHmommy   
Tuesday, 21 February 2012 00:00

It couldn't have arrived on a more perfect day.

 

President's Day. The kiddos were off from school and chasing each other around the house screaming "WE ARE BORED" in unison. It wasn't even ten in the morning when I threw open the door to release the hoodlums outside. A package stuck in-between the screen door fell and one look at the return label, I knew what it was.

 

"Finally! I've been waiting for this."

"What is it, Mama? What did you get?"

"A book my friend Jill wrote."

"What's it about?"

"It's a how-to book. How to be a scary mommy."

"You are kidding, right?"

"Read the title."

"Confessions of a Scary Mommy." they read and gasped.

 

scarymommybook

A reenactment by Lola.

 

I wasn't about to tell them the entire truth, that it's not a manual but a delightful novel about the honest truth on motherhood, because as I was reading my copy they completed their homework in record speed. The Nordstroms sales associate commented on how well behaved they were on our shopping trip. And they even shared their desserts after dinner. I kept the copy on the kitchen island all day long to serve as a reminder that I'm learning how to be a scary mommy.

 

Until Lola flipped to the back cover and recognized Jill's photo.

 

"Wait, we've met her before. Right?"

"Yup. Last year on our DC vacation."

"She wasn't a scary mommy! She was a nice mommy!"

 

Damn those kids and their incredible memories. My cover was blown.

dcvacay1

The Scary Mommy & OHmommy kiddos. Spring 2011.

 

Although I had pre-ordered a couple of copies on Amazon (for me, my sister & best friend), Jill sent me an advance copy/galley to check out. It comes out on April 3rd - just in time for Mother's Day. I absolutely adored the book and laughed out loud throughout it because, yeah, I can relate to the chaos. Although I've been a faithful reader of Jill's blog and a friend, the material was very new to me and so funny. "If I'm ever reincarnated, the last thing I want to come back as is the family dog in a household of three young children." Yes! This! Totally! I found myself responding to every page.

 

Want to check it out for yourself before it's released to the public? I have one galley copy to give away to you. Leave me a comment below describing a laugh-out-loud parenting moment you had recently. Giveaway ends on Feb. 25th, 2012 at midnight. One comment per email address.

 
Last Updated on Monday, 20 February 2012 21:22
 

Comments  

 
# Kelly 2012-02-20 21:14
It's not *totally* recent but it happened on the night of my daughters birth...I was of course stuck in bed unable to move. My husband was changing her diaper in the bassinet next to me and she started spitting up. He picked her up to slap her back and she immediately started to poop the black meconium. He was so freaked out! All I could do was laugh. I couldn't even sit up! He was asking for help and all I could do was laugh while I pressed the nurse call button.
Every day she makes me laugh, but that was the first time!
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# Jessica 2012-02-20 21:16
My kiddo just recently received the body changing talk. She then announced she is not having a period, but will have an exclamation point! Oh jeez!
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# Amy 2012-02-20 21:19
I cannot wait to get my copy. I love how Jill writes and you are the one who introduced her blog and awesomeness to me. Thanks on both counts! Xo scary mommy indeed
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# jessica mercer 2012-02-20 21:43
I was taking a shower with my 3 yr. Old twin girls when one says to me, mom you have a big butt and I have a small butt. Then she turns to her sister and says, I have a butt. It's name is butt. What's your butts name?
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# Kat Hudson 2012-02-20 21:50
I love Scary Mommy! Today, this was my life. First of all, I'm a SINGLE scary mommy. I had to clean up not just the usual cat puke, but also whatever my daughter's father streaked all over my apartment. Swiffer Wetjet to the rescue! My daycare was closed thanks to President's Day. Um, really? You run a daycare and your hubby works for beer distributing company as a driver, but okay. So my bff (a dude, fyi) offered to watch my 9-month-old. She had exactly TWO diaper changes all day (his response, "Hey, I saved you money on diapers!") he also didn't want to feed her actual food because two of her three baby food jars were unopened. He claimed she only wanted bottles. Alright...free babysitting. I got what I didn't pay for.
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# Karen 2012-02-20 21:50
I actually said the words "don't put the dog in the toilet" to my 4 y.o. son. He thought our new puppy could use a bath..
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# Danielle 2012-02-20 21:54
My eldest daughter enthusiastically showed me a hickey that she gave herself on the arm. When I asked, "What's that and why?" she explained that a girl at school told her that boys gave girls cooties by sucking on their arms and she wanted to see for herself what happens. Worn out from work, I just threw my hands in the air and walked away from a chance to have a talk. The next day she came home with 10 self-given hickeys on each arm--no getting out of talking to her this time.
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# Angie 2012-02-20 21:54
I just found "the scary mommy" about a month ago. I do have to admit that it sounds like a awesome book.
I can't wait to get my hands on it.

One laugh out load moment I had was a couple days ago when my youngest (4) heard from a commerical earlier in the day...came up to my husband and I and said " I am sexy and I know it" We both looked at one another and busted up laughing...The things this kid says.....lol
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# Karen Schmitt-Mazzag 2012-02-20 22:03
While I shower my two boys (ages 2 and 4) run amok through the bedrooms and also rummage through bathroom drawers. No big deal.
I went to the bank to make a deposit and pop in for a visit with my mother, she of course loves a surprise visit from her grandsons, in the Financial Services office. Having a good little visit when her boss walks out of his office to greet my boys and the little guy, with such a proud look on his face, whips out a handful of OB tampons to show him.....like they were trophies! Needless to say we were all red-faced and he left the room rather quickly. Oy those boys!!!!!
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# PattonBoysMom 2012-02-20 22:05
I have a husband and 5 kids, ages 37, 15, 9, 5, 3, and 15mo. Of those 6 people, 5 (!!!!!) are boys. It's a 3-ring circus here every day. A smelly, pee-spattered, snot-covered, jean knees ripped out, I've already swept this floor 4 times today!, poop goes in the toilet not your underwear!, sit down and eat!, if you wake that baby up..., STOP TOUCHING YOUR BROTHER!!! circus. The ridiculously funny things that are done and said in my house are nonstop, but I'll be damned, as I sit here in the first quiet since 630 am, if I can remember a single one of them. Hell, I can't even remember what this comment was supposed to say!! ;)
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# Kristen 2012-02-20 22:06
I've recently had THE TALK w/ my tween/almost teen daughter....w/ all the details. She was flabbergasted. Utter amazement. Shell shocked. She laid back on her pillows, wide eyed, for a minute, taking it all in. After a long deep sigh & w/ a furrowed brow, she said, "Mom. You had to do that TWICE to get two children. You must really love us." Yes. I did it twice(well, i did do it twice, at least...not a lie... Just an immition) I forsee more talks in our future....but that'll do for now.
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# annemarie 2012-02-20 22:10
my 4 year old wanted to see pictures of himself so we began looking through my blog. we found some great pictures and some even better videos. One video was of my son Sammy with his shirt on his legs and his pants on his head pretending to be a ninja. it was an amazing video
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# Alison 2012-02-20 22:20
I brought my laundry up from the basement and my 2 older kids (4 and 3) wanted to help. I know they always make a mess, but it's okay. I had to go to bathroom, so I told them to wait a minute. When I came out, my son had at least 5 of my thongs around his neck, and my daughter was digging in the basket for more. All I could do was watch and laugh when she grabbed one and threw it around his head like they were playing ring toss. Thank god no one else saw.
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# Ashley Rutter 2012-02-20 22:21
My son, Oliver is 13 months old. With him at this age, it seems like most moments are (...between the tantrums and the tears) are laugh out loud moments but I digress. Starting at about eight months, my son started doing this thing that I can only describe as "freak out baby." It consists of him throwing his head side-to-side while making crazy noises and shaking his arms. It would seem that he is angry when he does this but really its just a fun thing. A couple of weeks ago, he was having an "omg-end-of-the-world-if-i-don't-get-my-way" moment. I couldn't help but be reminded of how close his actions were to "freak out baby." Since I yelled "freak out baby" and he instantly stopped having his breakdown and started giggling and doing it with me. Much to my relief this has worked ever since.

While I know this is supposed to be a laugh out loud moment and it was...for me. It was one of those mommy teetering on the edge moments where you aren't sure if you want to laugh or cry. Being able to look back on it, I am so glad I laughed. It is the little things on a daily basis that make family amazing. While relating the stories to others may lose their meaning, they can always bring a smile and laugh to you.
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# julie kester 2012-02-20 22:31
Last week we were waiting at the dentist office. We had been there for over 2 hrs. I was being worked in as an emergency. My three yr old twin girls were being unnaturally well behaved. My scary mommy moment was brewing! A man walked in, checked in and sat down beside of these "little divas". Smiling politely he said how cute they were..silly man. The man had an eyepatch. My very boisterious daughter says loud enough for EVERYONE to hear "looky mommy, that pirate is at our dentist!" I died inside from horror!
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# nicole 2012-02-20 22:38
Yesterday, I thought I was whispering under my breath when I uttered to my two toddler boys to ˝shut the f&%$ up"...apparently I wasn't so quiet Bc my 3 year old repeated it to his 18 month old brother and then proceeded to tell me to stop talking so loud. Oops!
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# Joan 2012-02-20 22:38
I'm pretty sure my one year old eats more of the dog food than the dogs do...shooooot.

Poor dogs :)
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# Marian Stimson 2012-02-20 22:41
My 2 girls were home sick and I decided the best remedy was a morning of sitting on the couch watching Disney Jr. (We watch very little TV in this house, so this was a special treat.) Show after show came on without me having to set it up on the DVR. After the 3rd continuous show my 7 year old said "are all of these shows on right now?" "Yes honey. They run shows all morning long." "Is this something special?" "No dear. They do this every morning." "No way!" (Consider her mind blown.) Then Little Einsteins came on. As they are watching it, my 4 year old screams at the TV "Dude! You need to go super fast!" I just couldn't stop laughing.
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# Laura Tilly 2012-02-20 23:04
There are lots of little moments when my son makes me laugh, giggle, smile, and yes; want to scream. The most recent laugh out loud moment was when he was in the bathroom with me (I have sacrificed my bathroom time to have peace from Pterodactyl Child) and discovered, in the bottom vanity drawer, closest to the toilet, all of these brightly colored "toys." Needless to say I watched helplessly as he very happily spread all of my tampons and mini pads ALL OVER THE BATHROOM. After I had finished and opened the door, he goes running into the dining room, a bright pink packaged mini pad clutched tightly in his little fist; and proudly presented it to his great grandmother. I almost peed my pants laughing.
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# Gail 2012-02-20 23:34
I had to tell my 3 year old, "You cannot take your pants off in a restaurant, it isn't what nice girls do."
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# Shay 2012-02-20 23:44
My youngest daughter asked me what was this "thing" on my back, and my oldest answered, "it's a tattoo, mommy paid someone to write on her." My youngest said, " really, I could have wrote on you for free. I still smile thinking of it:)
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# Andrea 2012-02-20 23:49
I told my 17girls year old son the other day that I'm beginning to understand why some animals in the wild eat their young. The look on his face was priceless. Think he half believed I was considering it. Yep....you know you're a scary mommy when your kids sleep with 1me eye open out of fear you might eat them. SUCCESS!!!!!
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# kasia 2012-02-21 00:01
I cant wait to read it! THANKS!
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# Christine 2012-02-21 00:04
My 1st grade son stepped off the bus, told me learned 3 bad words at school and then proceeded to say them. I asked where he learned them and he said, "They were written on the study cubbies." So I wrote his teacher a note, letting her know of the "graffiti." The next day he got off the bus and said, "Mom, I learned two more bad words." "How did you learn those honey?" I asked. "After Teacher read your note out loud to the class she made us go clean the study cubbies." I could not stop laughing how that plan backfired.
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# Lisa 2012-02-21 01:15
My husband and I had recently been worried and discussing that our youngest of four, nine year old son was too grown up for his own good. Then just a few days ago at my freshman daughter's basketball game, at our Catholic high school, when a player from the other team was shooting a free throw, and the gym was very, very quiet, said nine year old inquires in a normal conversational tone, "Mom, what does f*** mean?" My husband and some other nearby dads chuckle. I asked him where he had heard that word. He said he heard it from some firstborn at school. We just told him it is a very mean word and not something we say. He accepted that and we decided that he's still pretty little in most ways!
**And I have no earthly idea how far his voice carried or whether or not the free throw shooter made any of her baskets.
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# Marcella 2012-02-21 02:11
My 2,5 y.o. daughter has autism (first time i actually write this down). She can't talk yet so no funny outburst in that way but our laughing out loud moments are in all the little things. Like last week when she gave her father a hug and a kis for the first time before going to bed, or when she fakes a big laugh so that everybody in the room can't stop laughing either, or the otter day when we met a nice woman who expected that dd would say hello to her and i saw myselve forced to say that she is a little bit different and dont make much contact with other preople and all of a sudden my daughter desites that she likes this woman and starts climbing up her lap:D it's all those moments i can't stop laughing and they make up for every time it's so damn hard and i feel i have to be a real scary mommy!
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# lauren 2012-02-21 02:27
I have a mommy fail funny moment. So after being up all night with the teething baby, my 4 yr old daughtet gets up 2 hrs after I finally get to sleep screaming for oatmeal. Daddys at school & she will not shut up about oatmeal! I'm begging & pleading with her to just get a yogurt or Apple sauce outta the fridge. Finally I just blurt out I wish you'd just shut it I'm f***ing tired!! So she screams back I wish you'd shut up I'M F****ING HUNGRY!!!
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# Jeny 2012-02-21 02:37
I have a 10 year old boy, blessed with my quick wit, sense of humor, and clumsiness curse.
Last week he was climbing into his top bunk at bedtime, holding a full glass of water. When I asked him why he didn't just put it on the shelf next to his bed first he replied with, "Cause I play my games on expert mode".
Well he made it, without spilling a drop, with me still laughing hysterically at his comment. Then, when putting it on the shelf, he twitched by accident and sent it flying down the front of me. Epic fail. The look on his face of pure terror sent me into another laughing fit.
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# Suzie 2012-02-21 06:22
My first laugh out loud moment was when my son was a few weeks old. I was running out the door for something I managed to schedule at the last minute while my parents watched my son and I forgot to put my shoes on. I knew as soon as I hit the driveway but it made me stop and laugh at myself.
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# AmyAmy Stossel 2012-02-21 06:54
Last week my four year old came up to me and said, matter of factly, "mama I peed in my trash can". I was like, WHAT? Why on earth would you do that? And he said, " I had to go bad mama, I just couldn't make it". Never in my life did I think I would have to utter the words - we.don't.pee.in.trash.cans
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# Laura 2012-02-21 07:27
My mother in law was watching my 2 1/2 year old son. Hey were playing on the floor when my mother in law said she was pooped. My son took her by the hand and helped her up. He walked her to the bathroom and said, "eww mom mom pooped!"
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# Cassie 2012-02-21 07:34
The raisin story is too funny! Would love to read this book!
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# Laurie 2012-02-21 07:52
Oh, how I love new books! Thanks for having a contest! :) Okay, a story.... The other day my daughter (who is tired of her room being a bit stuffed with stuff) said, "Didn't we used to have a playroom where all my toys were kept?' I said, "Yes, we did. Now that room is Aaron's room." She looked at me and said, "No offense, Mom, but I think I'd rather have a playroom than a brother." No offense taken. :)
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# Jessica B. 2012-02-21 07:59
I truly love when your own parenting comes back to slap you in the face. Three children arguing this weekend over who is going to press the button on the elevator. My barely 2 year old, turns toward her older sister, stomps her foot, and YELLS "You hear me, Heidi? What I say?!" Yes, this was my frequent mommy-comment coming back to haunt me. "Do you hear my words? What is mommy asking you?
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# Heather 2012-02-21 08:32
When my 6 year old was getting ready to take his shower, he paused and asked "mommy when will I get fur on my private parts like you have"? I had to race out of the room I was laughing so hard! Really... fur.
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# Katy 2012-02-21 09:03
My whole blogging existence is about laugh-out loud moments of motherhood! While I realize I'm probably breaking the rules by NOT describing my one moment here in the comment box, please check it out here:
experiencedbadmom.com/2011/12/american-girl-saga/
The pain/laughter/horror could not fit in a comment box! :)
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# Kelly 2012-02-21 13:04
Actually, it was just yesterday. My youngest (5) went in her room to get dressed. All of a sudden I see her running down the hall naked. She went into the bathroom, did her business and ran back to her room. When I asked her what she was doing, she said she had to go to the bathroom. When I asked why she was naked, she said, "well, I would have to take my underwear off anyway, so why not go there that way." I cracked up!
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# Mexmom 2012-02-21 13:56
My son asked me what my mushrooms (his words) were called - referring to my breast- So I said it is called a bra, then he responded, but I am not talking about your clothes but what it is inside the mushrooms. Oh the things kids say.
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# Renny 2012-02-21 14:24
I am not yet a mommy, classy, scary, or otherwise.

But I do teach children in church on Sundays, and they always say and do something funny and entertaining.

Two weeks ago we were talking about Noah and the ark. I asked them if they thought it was easy for Noah to build the ark and gather all the animals together. One little boy raised his hand and when I called on him he stood up and said, "I have a belt like Superman, see?!" He is three. Another little girl said, "I think it would have been easy to get the zebras on the ark." I love it. Every week.
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# Marta 2012-02-21 20:43
Just today as I was wiping Ben's butt he said and I quote "Look we're talking while you're in me." It was hilarious despite its inappropriateness.

I can't wait to read Jill's book!
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# Elaine 2012-02-22 01:19
I was overjoyed to have the copy on my doorstep yesterday.

I just love that your families got together. How awesome is that?
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# Chevelle S. 2012-02-22 15:57
I was giving my son a bath last night & we were playing the Ipod, as usual. We have a mix on there that has my husbands hardcore punk band in there & my 2 1/2 yr old son asked "Is that Daddy or Jason singing?" I said "Neither. Why? Do you like it?" He says "NO!" I want to hear Honky Tonkin!" (Hank Williams son that he loves) Maybe you had to be there... but it was hilarious that he both noted he didn't care for the music he thought was his daddy's band and that he wanted to hear some old school country! Love that little bugger!
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# Jamie 2012-02-22 21:46
5yo came home from his Catholic School today adorned with an ashen forehead. Me: Hey Buddy did you go to Mass today for Ash Wednesday? 5yo: No Mama we went to Mash Me: No I think you mean Mass, not Mash (emphasis on sh) 5yo: Nooo Mama I mean Mash like mashed potatoes and Father wiped his dirty fingers all over heads. "Johnny" said Father was being an ash. Get it Mama, Mash.
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# krissy 2012-02-22 23:56
We just added a new puppy to our house. My 14yr old daughter was suppose to let the puppy outside but of course, procrastinated. I finally threatened to take her phone and social life away for a year if she didn't hurry up and let him out. So she ran into the kitchen where it was already to late because the puppy pooped on the floor, to which she stepped in it and fell in it as well. I laughed for an hour straight. She, took two showers. :)
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# Loukia 2012-02-23 13:43
Did you love it? I loved it. :)
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# Amber B 2012-02-23 15:21
My 8 year old started baseball this year and is required to wear a cup. We try to keep all his sports equipment together, so it was sitting next to our garage door. My four year old decided it looked like a nose, so he held it up to his face and walked around the house with his new "nose." I wish I had thought to take a picture.
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# Traci 2012-02-23 16:00
My daughter who is 3 has become obsessed with "boobies" at storytime yesterday she asked the librarian "do you have boobies and can I see them?"
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# Kimbescz 2012-02-24 10:01
I love Weezer, so their music is on a lot. One day, my darling son waltzed right into kindergarten singing "I'm tired...so tired. I'm tired of having sex, so tired..." AHHHH. Oh, well...guess it gave the teachers something to talk about.
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# Sarah 2012-02-24 13:27
My 4 year old prisspot daughter likes to blow raspberries on my pregnant belly and then giggle "baby sister tooted!" yep, she has an older brother :)
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# annie 2012-02-24 13:58
An exchange between myself and my almost 6 year old daughter....

Me: "Avery, go put your underwear on!"
Avery: "Why? Are there people coming over?"

Yes, I'm raising wolf children.
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# Melissa 2012-02-25 14:48
Master P has taken to shouting "NO!" as he does something naughty - his latest is putting his feet on the dining room table. I totally failed in keeping a straight face while trying to calmly note, "I do not want feet with my grilled cheese!" (since my diet now consists of whatever food he's refusing to eat).

Great giveaway!
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Author

Pauline Karwowski, aka OHmommy.

Is a self proclaimed globe trotting, minivan driving, SAHM stiletto ho.

Happily married mother to 3 Cleveland natives: Jay the son, Lola the daughter, and Fifi the preschooler.

The content on this blog is the opinion of the blogger.

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