PSA: Chardonnay doesn't belong in sippy cups.

Written by OHmommy

Wednesday, 13 May 2009 18:01

Let's start with the moral of this post today. Take care of yourselves and don't wait until you are in dire straights to seek medical care.

For weeks I have been complaining about my eyes. "They are so itchy." I whined a number of times. "It's allergy season." More then one person replied. "My eye lids are so heavy." I admitted on several occasions. "You need to get more sleep." Many people encouraged me. "I feel like someone is pulling my eyeballs back." I cried. "Time to change your contacts."

I self medicated myself for seasonal allergies, invested in new contacts, got several nights of uninterrupted sleep and on Monday I googled my symptoms.

"Heavy, itchy, red eyes, eyeballs, eyelids, spasms, omgimdying, twitching, pain, hurtssomuchiwanttojumpoutofmywindow"

And low and behold WebMD came through and identified my problems as either a spinal legion, MS, or crack overdose. SO. I immediately called the Cleveland Clinic. "My eyeballs are on fire and before I jump out the window in pain I was wondering if you could squeeze me in. Immediately. Dr. Google says I might have a spinal legion which is affecting my eyeball nerve. My eye won't stop twitching."

Unable to drive, I forced my husband to cancel all of his dental patients and we drove down to the Cole Eye Institute, my eyes wrapped in my son's T-shirt to drown out the sun shine.

"Hee. Hee. Hee. HOOO. I think I might be dying. Hee. Hee. Hee. HOOOO. What will you do without me? Hee. Hee. Hee. HOOOO. Will you remarry?" Hee. Hee. Hee. HOOO!!!! I think you should, but always have a photo of me, okay? Hee. Hee...." I tried to speak in between my Lamaze breathing.

At the clinic, my handsome doctor, after a gazillion questions took one look at my eyes and asked "Do you top off?" Confused, I shrugged my shoulders and wondered how long it would take to get some drugs. "Do you top off with your solution? Just add more to the existing case instead of cleaning it out? Do you top off, at night?"

"Um. Yeah. Of course! I am a busy mom of three."

He shook his head and explained that for weeks I have been lovingly growing nasty bacteria in my contact case, like some bad high-school biology experiment. "But, I just put new contacts in. They're two days old. ~~Just give me some drugs and I will be out of your hair~~" He explained that even though they were new they were placed in the topped-off solution that was rapidly growing bacteria faster then the Brangelinas were populating the world.

And so. For weeks I have been using my eyes as petri dishes and have been growing bacteria at remarkable speeds. Mr. Heiken, my freshmen biology teacher would be proud.

You know you have a serious infection when one of the top hospitals in the world requires a follow up appointment the next day. And the next. And the next. And you find yourself best friends with the door man by Friday morning. Furthermore, you know you have a serious eye infection when you require three separate eye drops every hour on the hour, even throughout the night, into your ~~petri dishes~~ eyes. More so your husband finds it hard to sleep while you scream in pain as the ice cold drops meet your burning eyes at 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am.... If pink eye was a pesky catfish then my eye infection was a stubborn whale refusing to budge.

After the my first follow up on Tuesday I called my mother for help. The first time in nearly seven years of motherhood I cried over the phone begging for some assistance, "Get on a plane. I can't see what I poured into Fifi's sippy cup. Organic lemonade or Saturday's night Chardonnay. I. Need. Help." She must have heard the panic in my voice and flew out on the very next flight relieving my husband of further investigation about his second wife, surely the eye infection would kill me.

She has been a blessing. Others have been too. She drove me to get glasses. She drove and picked up Lola from preschool twice. She sent me a fruit bouquet at home because I tweeted my symptoms.

I am praying that my eyes have stopped growing bacteria by Friday and we can begin steroid treatment to kill and treat. We are unsure if I have permanently damaged my eye sight. The meds that I am on right now have my pupils dilated around the clock and I can't handle any light source. I am unable to drive. Or read ~~and blog~~. Or handle watching TV without squinting and swearing. How are the new Housewives of New Jersey? Any favorites?

I'm not seeking any sympathy. Quite the opposite... I want to use my stupidity and set an example of what happens when you don't take care of yourself. Seek medical attention immediately. Take care of your medical needs like you take care of your childrens. They do not deserve Chardonnay in their sippy cups with their morning waffles.

Now turn down your lights. It's killing me. And please, whatever you do, don't tell my mother I was on the computer while she was grocery shopping with three ~~wild~~ kids. I heard it took them 11 minutes to pick out the shopping cart.

****

My doctor advised that I buy a new contact case each month and clean it everyday. 1 in 1000 contact wearers develop an infection. That numbers increases 10 fold when contact cases aren't clean. I am so glad I am making a difference in the world, through my ~~laziness~~ studipty.